2010 Weigh In

'It's time,' she said. 'Everybody up.'

Fear flashed across the woman's face, impatience on the man's. I stood up and shuffled nervously to the queue. My feet moved clumsily, my legs suddenly unwilling. Nervously, I ran through my accounting, dread cackling in my ear about where I'd fall short, yet again.

'It's my goal to get back to my 18-year old body,' she giggled from behind.

My eyes tracked to her shoes, her toenails peek-a-booing out, yellowed and flaky. Razor scars networked up her mottled calves, past her marshmallowy kneecaps. Her clothes just didn't fit. Her voice caught my attention and I lifted my gaze to her face. Tired.

'I was so hot at 18,' she whispered to herself plaintively.

Shame burned my cheeks.

That year had been the hardest in my life, I wouldn't have wished it on my worst enemy. Yet despite that, here I stood judging this woman who really needed some compassion. I was ashamed I had been so harsh.

I tried to make it right. 'I may not look like the person I want to be, but I sure as heck don't want to re-do my last year - let alone my last dozen. I'll never be that person again. All I can hope for is to be the best I can be by 40. That's my goal.'

Oh my. What an arrogant shit I was. And though it was a good goal, I find I'm still beating myself up about the woman and about that goal. Because, dear friends, I turned 40 this year and I wonder if I'm really any better now than I was then.

And something deep inside tells me that if I finish this post the way I had planned to - by giving you an accounting about what I did this year - it would be like my trying to make-up for that awful exchange in the Weight Watchers weigh-in line all those years ago, where I'm trying to prove to everyone (and maybe even myself) that I did OK after all. That I'm better than the person I was, and I even have a checklist to prove it.

So I'm going to just stop right here. Stop before I make it any worse.

No horn tooting, just wishes for your safe, healthy, and happy new year. Be good to everyone in your life, especially yourself. Forgive. And be effortlessly compassionate. You get more by giving it away.

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